Hello, good evening, and welcome to another edition
Of blood, devastation, death, war and horror
And later on we'll be talking
To a man who does gardening
But our first guest in the studio tonight
Is a man who talks entirely in anagrams.
Taht si crreoct.
Do you enjoy this?
I stom certainly od
Revy chum so.
And what's your name?
Hamrag, hamrag yatlerot.
Well, graham, nice to have you on the show.
Now, where do you come from?
Bumcreland.
Cumberland?
Staht sit sepreicly.
And I believe you're working
On an anagram version of shakespeare.
Sey, sey, taht si crreoct.
Uh... ta the mnemot, I'm wroking on "the mating of the wersh."
"the mating of the wersh," by william shakespeare?
Nay, by malliwi rapesheake.
And, uh... what else?
"two netlemeg of verona"
"twelfth thing," "the chamrent of venice."
Have you done "hamlet"?
"thamle."
"be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestquie."
And what is your next project?
"ring kichard the thrid."
I'm sorry?
"a shroe! a shroe!
My dingkome for a shroe!"
Ah, "ring kichard," yes.
But surely that's not an anagram
That's a spoonerism.
If you're going to split hairs
I'm going to piss off.
Now...
It's...
Tony m. nyphot's flying risccu.
Mrs. scab, you have 12 hours to beat the clock.
Correct!
I've done it!
I've done it.
Ha, ha, ha!
Hello?
Ah, mr. victim.
Yes, I'm glad to say that I've got the go-ahead
To lend you the money you require.
Yes, we will of course want as security the deeds of your house
Of your aunt's house, of your second cousin's house
Of your wife's parents' house and of your grannie's bungalow
And we will in addition need a controlling interest
In your new company
Unrestricted access to your private bank account
The deposit in our vaults of your three children as hostages
And a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement
Carried out against you by any members of our staff
During the normal course of their duties.
No, I'm afraid we couldn't accept your dog
Instead of your youngest child.
We would like to suggest a brand-new scheme of ours
Under which 51% of both your dog and your wife pass to us
In the event of your suffering a serious accident.
Fine... no, not at all.
Nice to do business with you.
Uh... miss godfrey, could you send in mr. ford, please?
Now, where's that dictionary?
Ah, yes, here we are...
Inner life.
Come in.
Ah... mr. ford, isn't it?
That's right.
How do you do?
I'm a merchant banker.
How do you do, mr., uh...
I forget my name for the moment
But I am a merchant banker.
Oh, I wondered whether you'd like to contribute
To the orphan's home.
Well, I don't want to show my hand too early, but actually
Here at slater nazi we are quite keen to get into orphans
You know, developing market and all that.
What sort of sum did you have in mind?
Well... uh... you're a rich man.
Yes, I am, yes, yes... very, very rich.
Quite phenomenally wealthy.
Yes, I do... I do own the most startling quantities of cash.
Yes, quite right.
You're rather a smart young lad, aren't you?
We could do with someone like you
To feed the pantomime horse.
Very smart.
Thank you, sir.
Now, you were saying
I'm very, very, very, very, very, very
Very, very, very rich.
So... how about a pound?
A pound... yes, I see.
Now, this loan would be secured by...
It's not... it's not a loan, sir.
What?
It's not a loan.
Ah...
You get one of these, sir.
A bit small for a share certificate, isn't it?
Look, I think I'd better run this over
To our legal department.
If you could possibly pop back on friday...
Do you have to do that?
Couldn't you just give me the pound?
Yes, but you see, I don't know what it's for.
It's for the orphans.
Yes?
It's a gift.
A what?
A gift.
Oh, a gift!
A tax dodge.
No, no, no, no.
No?
Well, I'm awfully sorry.
I don't understand.
Can you just explain exactly what you want?
Well, I want you to give me a pound
And then I go away
And give it to the orphans.
Yes?
Well, that's it.
No, no, no, I don't follow this at all.
I mean, I don't want to seem stupid
But it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the whole deal.
Yes, you are.
I am.
Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?
Well, the incentive is to make the orphans happy.
Happy?
You quite sure you've got this right?
Yes, lots of people give me money.
What, just like that?
Yes.
Must be sick.
I don't suppose you could give me
A list of their names and addresses, could you?
No, I just go up to them in the street and ask.
Good lord!
That's the most exciting new idea
I've heard in years!
It's so simple it's brilliant.
Well, if that idea of yours
Isn't worth a pound
I'd like to know what is.
Thank you, sir.
The only trouble is...
You gave me the idea
Before I'd given you the pound.
And that's not good business.
Isn't it?
No, I'm afraid it isn't.
So... off you go.
Nice to do business with you.
Anyway.
And off we go again.
Uh... miss godfrey, could you send in
The pantomime horses, please?
Now, I've asked you...
Shut up!
Now, I've asked you in here
To see me this morning
Because I'm afraid
We're going to have to let one of you go.
I'm very sorry, but the present rationalization of this firm
Makes it inevitable that we hive one of you off.
Now, you may think that this is very harsh behavior
But let me tell you that our management consultants
Actually queried the necessity
For us to employ a pantomime horse at all.
And so the decision has to be made which one of you is to go.
Champion...
How many years have you been with this firm?
Trigger?
I see... well, it's a difficult decision
But in accordance with our traditional principles
Of free enterprise and healthy competition
I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to the death for it.
No, I'm afraid there's no redundancy scheme.
In the hard and unrelenting world of nature
The ceaseless struggle for survival continues.
This time one of the pantomime horses concedes defeat
And so lives to fight another day.
Here in a colony of sea lions, we see a huge bull sea lion
Seeing off an intruding bull
Who is attempting to intrude on his harem.
This pattern of aggressive behavior
Is typical of these documentaries.
Here we see two limpets
Locked in a life-or-death struggle for territory.
The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock
Endeavors to encircle its sprightly opponent.
Here we see an ant.
This ant is engaged in a life- or-death struggle with the wolf.
You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf on all sixes.
Now he stops to observe.
Satisfied that the wolf has not heard him, he approaches nearer.
With great skill, he chooses his moment
And then, quick as a limpet
With one mighty bound, buries his fangs in the wolf's neck.
The wolf struggles to no avail.
A battle of this kind can take anything up to 15 years
Because the timber ant has such a tiny mouth.
Here we see heinz sielmann
Engaged in a life-or-death struggle with peter scott.
They are engaged in a bitter punch-up over repeat fees
On the overseas sales of their nature documentaries.
Now they have been joined by an enraged jacques cousteau.
This is typical of the harsh and bitchy world
Of television features.
Here we see a honeybear
Not engaged in a life-or-death struggle about anything.
These honeybears are placid and peaceful creatures
And consequently bad television.
Here we see a pantomime horse.
It is engaged in a life-or-death struggle
For a job with a merchant bank.
However, his rival employee, the huge bull pantomime horse
Is lying in wait for him.
Poor pantomime horse.
Here we see a pantomime goose
Engaged in a life-or-death struggle with terence rattigan.
The enraged goose fires.
Poor terence...
Another victim of this silly film.
Here we see an enraged pantomime princess margaret.
She is lying in wait for her breakfast.
The unsuspecting breakfast glides ever closer to its doom.
The enraged pantomime royal person is poised for the kill.
She raises her harpoon and fires.
Pang!
Right in the toast.
A brief struggle, and all is over.
Poor breakfast.
Another victim of...
Oh, a pantomime phrase caught himself
A nice little dinner, fred.
I think the dining room wants his din-dins, too.
Your turn today, dear.
All right, mr. bedroom.
You'll get your dinner, too.
Postman.
Oh...
Well, the 69's late again today.
Do you hear that, tim?
Yep... could just be
The house we're looking for.
This, then, is the story of two desperate men
Hired by the good people at n.c.p. car parks
To hunt down and destroy houses too dangerous to live.
Well, what do you think?
Oh, these are house droppings, all right.
Okay, let's go.
Pst, over here.
That's the one.
Cover me.
I'm going to make a try for it.
And so, thanks once again to the unceasing efforts
Of the good people at n.c.p. car parks
The world is made just a little bit safer.
"sketch just starting, actor wanted."
G-good morning.
Morning, sir.
I'd like to join the army, please.
I see.
Short service or long service commission, sir?
Uh, long as possible, please.
Right, well, I'll just take a few particulars
And then...
Shove off!
And then there'll be a few forms to sign.
Of course we'll need some references
And then a full medical examination by the...
Yes, I see.
I-i was just wondering
Whether it would be possible
For me to... join...
The women's army.
The women's royal army corps, sir?
Uh, yes, I was just thinking, you know
If it was possible for me to have my choice
I'd prefer to be in the women's royal army corps.
Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here
Normally go straight into the scots guards.
Which is all men, I suppose.
Yes, it is.
Yes.
Are there any regiments
Which are more... effeminate than others?
Well, no, sir.
I mean, apart from the marines, they're all dead butch.
See, what I really wanted
Was a regiment where I could be really quiet
And have more time to myself
To work with fabrics
And creating new concepts in interior design.
Working with fabrics
And experimenting with interior design?
Yes.
Oh, well, you want the durham light infantry, then, sir.
Oh.
That's the only regiment that's really doing something new
With interior design--
With color, texture and line and that.
I see.
Oh, yes-- I mean
Their use of color with fabrics is fantastic.
I saw their pattern book the other day--
Beautiful, beautiful.
Savage tans...
Great slabs of black, set against aggressive orange.
It really makes you want to shout out
"this is good! this is real!"
Really?
Oh, yes-- I mean
The inniskillin fusiliers
And the anglian regiment are all right
If you're interested
In the art nouveau william morris revival bit
But if you really want a regimental line
That is really saying something about interior decor
Then you've got to go for the durham light infantry.
Oh, I've had enough of this.
I'm handing in my notice.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, when i applied for this job
I thought I'd get a few decent lines
But you end up doing the whole thing.
I mean, my last five speeches have been
"really", "really", "I see", "I see" and "really".
I wouldn't give those lines to a dog.
All right, all right, all right, sonny.
I'll tell you what.
We'll do something different.
I'll be a bus conductor, and you can be
A really funny passenger on a bus.
Any more fares, please?
I've got a chauffeur
And every time I go to the lavatory
He drives me potty!
Boom-boom! one in a row.
I'm not unusual, I'm just...
Fivepenny, please.
Five beautiful pennies going into the bag
And you are the lucky winner of...
One fivepenny ticket.
What's the welshman doing under the bed?
He's having a leak!
Oh, they're all in here tonight.
Look!
I am looking.
It's the only way I can keep my eyelids apart.
Boom-boom! every one a maserati.
Look, you said I was going to be a funny passenger.
What do you mean?
I mean, all I said was, "fivepenny, please."
You can't call that a funny line.
Well, it's the way you said it.
No, it isn't.
Nobody can say "fivepenny, please"
And make it funny.
Fivepenny, please.
Morning.
Not so warm today, eh, george?
Good morning.
Come in, mr. horton.
Morning, sir.
Do, uh...
Do sit down.
Thank you, sir.
Now, then, horton.
You've been with us for 20 years
And your work in the accounts department
Has been immaculate.
No, no-- please don't say anything.
As I say, your work has been beyond reproach.
But unfortunately
The effect you are having on your colleagues
Has undermined the competence...
Has undermined the competence of this firm to such a point
That I'm afraid I've got no option...
But to sack you.
I'm sorry to hear that, sir.
It couldn't have come at a worse time.
There's school fees for the two boys coming up
And the wife's treatment costing more now, sir.
I don't know where the money's coming from as it is.
And now I don't see any future.
I'd been hoping I might be able to hang on here
Just for the last couple of years
But now... i...
I just want to go out and end it all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And now for the fish--
The fish down the trousers.
It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine.
It's your trousers, not my trousers-- your trousers.
And now for the whitewash.
The whitewash over you...
Not over me, it's over you.
You get the laughs.
You get all the laughs.
And now for the custard pie in the mush.
It's not my mush, it's your mush.
It's your laugh--
It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine.
It's your bleeding laugh.
Good evening.
Well, tonight we're going to talk about...
Well, that is, I'm going to talk about...
Well, actually, I'm talking about it now.
Well, I'm not talking about it now, but I am talking.
I know I'm pausing occasionally
And not talking during the pauses
But the pauses are part of the whole process of talking.
When one talks, one has to pause.
Uh... like then.
I paused, but I was still talking.
And again there!
The real point of what I'm saying is
That when I appear not to be talking
Don't go nipping out to the kitchen, putting the kettle on
Buttering scones
Or getting crumbs and bits of food
Out of those round, brown straw mats
That the teapot goes on, you know.
Because in all probability, I'm still talking
And what you heard was a pause.
Like there again.
Look, to make it absolutely easier
So there's no problem at all
What I'll do is I'll give you some kind of sign, like this...
When I'm still talking and only pausing in between words.
And when I'm finished altogether I'll do this, all right?
No, no, sorry!
No, no.
Sorry, just demonstrating.
Haven't finished.
Haven't started yet.
Oh, dear.
Nearly forgot the gesture.
Hope none of you are nipping out into the kitchen
Getting bits of food out of those round, brown mats
Which the...
Good evening.
Tonight, I want to talk about...
We interrupt this program to annoy you
And make things generally irritating for you.
...with a large piece of wet paper.
Turn the paper over...
Turn the paper over, keeping your eye on the camel
And paste down the edge of the sailor's uniform
Until the word "maudling" is almost totally obscured.
Well, that's one way of doing it.
Good evening.
We interrupt this program again
"a, " to irritate you
And "b, " to provide work for one of our announcers.
Good evening.
I'm the announcer who's just been given this job by the bbc
And I'd just like to say how grateful I am to the bbc
For providing me with work
Particularly at this time of year
When things are a bit thin for us announcers.
Um...
I don't know whether I should tell you this, but...
Well, I have been going through a rather tough time recently.
Things have been pretty awful at home.
My wife, josephine-- "joe-jums"as I call her--
Who's also an announcer...
Hello.
Uh, has not been able to announce
Since our youngest, clifford, was born, and...
Well, I've just got no confidence left.
I mean... I can't get up in the morning.
I feel there's nothing worth living for.
Hello, I'm another announcer.
My name is dick.
Joe-jums just rang me
And said jack was having a bad time with this announcement
So I've just come to give him a hand.
How is he, joe-jums?
Pretty bad, dick.
Jack, it's dick.
Do you want me to make the announcement?
No.
No, dick, I must do it myself.
It's my last chance with the bbc.
I can't throw it away.
I've got to do it
For joe-jums, for the kids...
I've got to go through with it.
Good man.
Now, remember your announcer's training--
Deep breaths, and try not to think about what you're saying.
Good evening.
This is bbc 1.
Good luck, jack.
Keep going, old boy.
It's 9:00
And time for the news
Read by richard baker.
You've done it!
Congratulations, old man!
Was it okay?
Absolutely top-o!
Absolutely marvelous.
You know you were!
Fantastic, darling!
You were brilliant, really.
It's so marvelous to have you here.
For god's sake, drink this...
You were rock solid.
Thanks very much.
I can't tell you how much that means.
I think it's a turning point...
Hello, reggie.
What?
Is that gordon?
Yes-- hang on, reggie.
...until the name maudling is almost totally obscured.
That is the ned of the nicloe-nock wens.
And now it's time for the late-night flim.
Oh!
Oh, pantomime horse, that was... wonderful!
Would you like another glass?
Oh, no, no, I mustn't.
It makes me throw up.
Oh, I'm so bleeding happy.
Oh, simone.
Oh, pantomime horse.
Then...
And now the english pantomime horse
Has very nearly caught up with the russian pantomime horse.
I think he's going to take him any moment now.
But what is this? what is this?
Yes, it's the pantomime princess margaret
And the pantomime goose
And they're attacking the english pantomime horse
And the russian pantomime horse has got away
But who is this?
My goodness me!
It's the duke of kent to the rescue.
Here you see
Some english comic actors
Engaged in a life-or-death struggle
With a rather weak ending.
This is typical of the zany, madcap world
Of the irresistible, kooky funsters.
The english pantomime horse wins
And so is assured of a place in british history
And a steady job in a merchant bank.
Unfortunately, before his pension rights are assured
He catches bronchitis and dies
Another victim of the need to finish these shows on time.
In the modern britain, united under a great leader
It's the housewives of britain who are getting things moving.
Here, a coach load of lovely ladies are on their way
To speed up production in a car factory.
And here we are, boys, it's the no-hurry brigade
Hanging around for endless overtime.
And just watch these gallant girls go into action.
Not working fast enough?
Well, there's an answer for that.
Yes, this is certainly the way to speed up production.
This is the recipe for increased productivity
To meet the threat of those nasty foreigners
When britain takes her natural place
At the head of the british common market.
And how's this for a way to beat strikers?
Those spotty continental boys
Will soon have to look out for mrs. britain.
And talking of windmills
These girls aren't afraid to tilt at the permissive society.
Business is booming in the so-called arts
But two can play at that game, chum.
And it's not just the modern so-called plastic arts
That get the clean-up treatment.
Desdemona...
Come on, dears!
And those continentals had better watch out
For their dirty foreign literature.
Jean-paul sartre and jean genet won't know what's hit them.
Never mind the foulness of their language--
Come '73, they'll all have to write in british.
You can keep your fastidious continental bidets, mrs. foreigner--
Mrs. britain knows how to keep her feet clean.
But she'll battle like bingo, boys
When it comes to keeping the tv screen clean.
Better watch out for those nasty continental shows
On the sneaky second channel.
But apart from attacking
That prurient hotbed of left-wing continentalism
At shepherds bush
What else do these ordinary mums think?
Do they accept hegelianism?
No!
Do they prefer leibnitz to wittgenstein?
No! no!
And where do they stand on young people?
Just here, dear.
Their power is growing daily
And when these girls roll their sleeves up
It's arms all the way.
Yes, this is the way to fight
The constant war against pornography.
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Doctor!
Where is the doctor?
Hello!
Are you the brain specialist?
Hello!
Are you the brain specialist?
No!
No, I am not the brain specialist.
No, no, I am not!
Yes! yes, I am!
My brain hurts!
Well, let's take a look at it, mr. gumby.
No, no, no...
My brain in my head.
Oh!
It'll have to come out.
Out... of my head?
Yes! all the bits of it.
Nurse!
Nurse, take mr. gumby to a... brain surgeon.
Yes, doctor.
Where's the lancet?
He's brilliant, you know.
Where's the bloody lancet?
My brain hurts, too.
Gloves...
Glasses...
Moustache...
Handkerchief...
I'm going to operate!
Operate, operate...
Get bits of brain!
Hello!
Oh!
We forgot the anesthetic!
Anesthetic!
I've come to anesthetize you!
Good evening.
Tonight I'd like to talk to you about... oh, uh...
Excuse me, this is all wrong.
One moment.
Hello, again.
As I was saying...
Ah, oh, wait, this is still not quite right.
Sorry.
No, no, sorry, no, not right.
Ah, this is better.
Now, tonight I want to look at the meaning of life...
Oh! ow! oh! oh!
No, no, no...
No, no, please!
Hmm, ah, well...
This'll do nicely.
Good evening.
Tonight I'd like to talk to you
About the meaning of life
In the context of...
The 9:00 news, which was to have followed
has been canceled tonight
so we can bring you the quarterfinals
of the all-essex badminton championship.
Your commentator as usual is edna o'brien.
Hullo, fans.
Begorra, an' to be sure there's some fine badminton
down there in essex this afternoon.
We really...
Hmm.
George?
Yes, gladys?
There's a man here with a moustache.
I already got one.
All right, all right, all right
What's he want, then?
He says, do we want
A documentary on mollusks?
Mollusks?!
Yes!
What's he mean, "mollusks"?
Mollusks!
Gastropods, lamellibranchs, cephalopods!
Oh, mollusks.
I thought you said "bacon."
All right, all right, all right, all right.
What's he charge, then?
It's free.
Oh! where does he want us to sit?
He says yes!
Good evening.
Tonight, mollusks.
The mollusk is a soft-bodied, unsegmented invertebrate animal
Usually protected by a large shell.
One of the most numerous groups of invertebrates
It is exceeded in number of species
Only by the arthropods, viz...
Not very interesting, is it?
What?
I was talking to him.
Oh.
Anyway, the typical mollusk, viz a snail...
Consists of a prominent muscular portion--
The head-foot-- a visceral mass and a shell
Which is secreted by the free edge of the mantle.
Dreadful, isn't it?
What?
I was talking to him!
Oh... well, anyway...
In some mollusks, however, viz, slugs
The shell is absent or rudimentary.
Switch him off.
Whereas in others, viz cephalopods
The head-foot is greatly modified
And forms tentacles, viz the squid.
What are you doing?
Switching you off.
Don't you like it?
Oh, it's dreadful.
Embarrassing.
Is it?
Yes, it's perfectly awful.
Disgraceful!
I don't know how they got the nerve to put it on.
It's so boring.
Well, it's not much of a subject, is it?
Be fair.
What do you think, george?
Give him another 20 seconds.
All right.
Anyway, the majority of mollusks
Are included in three large groups:
The gastropods, the lamellibranchs
And the cephalopods.
We know that!
However, what is more interesting
Is the, uh... mollusk's, uh...
Sex life.
Oh!
Yes, the mollusk is a randy little fellow
Whose primitive brain scarcely strays
From the subject of you-know-what.
Disgusting!
Ought not to be allowed.
The randiest of the gastropods
Is the limpet.
This hot-blooded little beast
With its tentlike shell is always on the job.
Its extramarital activities
Are something startling.
Frankly, I don't know how the female limpet
Finds the time to adhere to the rock face.
How am I doing?
Disgusting.
But more interesting.
Oh, yes.
Another loose-living gastropod is the periwinkle.
This shameless little libertine
With its characteristic ventral locomotion...
Is not the marrying kind--
"anywhere, anytime" is its motto.
Up with the shell and they're at it.
What about the lamellibranchs?
I'm coming to them.
The great scallop...
This tatty, scrofulous old rapist
Is second in depravity only to the common clam.
This latter is a right whore!
A harlot, a trollop
A cynical, bed-hopping, firm-breasted
Rabelaisian bit of seafood
That makes fanny hill look like a dead pope.
And finally among the lamellibranch bivalves
That most depraved of the whole subspecies, the whelk.
The whelk is nothing but a homosexual of the worst kind.
This gay boy of the gastropods
This queer crustacean, this mincing mollusk
This screaming, prancing, limp-wristed queen of the deep
Makes me sick.
Have you got one?
Here!
Let's kill it.
Disgusting!
There, that'll teach it.
Well, thank you for a very interesting program.
Oh, not at all, thank you.
Yes, that was very nice.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
And good night.
And now a word from the man in the...
Street.
Anyway...
Ooo...
Coochy, coochy, coochy...
...dear little fellow.
Look at the twinkle in his eye.
Oh, he's a little dear, isn't he?
You shouldn't let him suck on a dummy, my dear.
Oh, my god... no!
Don't touch it!
The minister for not listening to people
Toured batley today to investigate allegations
Of victimization in home-loan improvement grants
Made last week by the shadow-minister
For judging people at first sight
To be marginally worse than they actually are.
At the home office, the minister for inserting himself
In between chairs and walls in men's clubs
Was at his desk after a short illness.
He spent the morning dealing with the irish situation
And later in the day had long discussions
With the minister for running upstairs two at a time
Flinging the door open
And saying, "ha, ha, caught you, mildred."
In the commons there was another day of heated debate
On the third reading of the trade practices bill.
Mr. roland penrose
The undersecretary for making deep growling noises...
Launched a bitter personal attack
On the ex-minister for delving deep into a black satin bag
And producing a tube of euthymol toothpaste.
Later in the debate
The junior minister for being frightened
By any kind of farm machinery
Challenged the undersecretary of state
For hiding from terence rattigan
To produce the current year's trading figures
As supplied by the department of stealing packets of bandages
From the self-service counter at timothy whites
And selling them again at a considerable profit.
Parliament rose at 11:30
And, crawling along a dark passageway into the old rectory
Broke down the door to the serving hatch
Painted the spare room
And next weekend I think they'll be able
To make a start on the boys' bedroom.
While amy and roger-- up in london for two days--
Go to see the mysterious mr. grenville.
He in turn has been revealed by d'arcy
As something less than an honest man.
Sybil feels once again
A resurgence of her old affection
And she and balreau return
To her little house in clermont-ferrand--
The kind of two-up, two-down house
That most french workers-- and, indeed, most workers
Throughout the european community-- are living in today.
The ease of construction
Using on-site prefabrication facilities
Makes cheap housing a reality.
The walls of these houses are lined
With prestressed asbestos, which keeps the house warm and snuggly
And ever so safe from the big bad rabbit
Who can scratch and scratch for all he's worth
But he just can't get into porky's house.
Where is porky?
Here he is.
What a funny little chap.
But porky is one of the lucky ones.
He survived the urban upheaval of the '30s and '40s.
For him, jarrow is still just a memory.
The hunger marches, the east end riots
The collapse of the labor government in 1931
Are dim reminders of the days
Before a newfound affluence swept the land
Making it clean and tidy
And making all the shops full of nice things:
Lovely choo-choo trains and toys
And shiny cars that go "brrm, brrm, brrm"
And everybody was happy and singing all the day long
And nobody saw the big bad rabbit ever again.
But, of course, it's all very easy
To blame the big bad rabbit
When by-elections are going against the government.
Ut how often do you think
We should really be blaming ourselves?
Because, you know, that's where we ought to start looking.
Hello... all the activity you can see here in progress
Is part of the intricate...
Preparations for the british naval expedition to lake pahoe.
The leader of the expedition is
Sir jane russell.
Sir jane, what is the purpose of your expedition?
Well, this is a completely uncharted lake
With, like, hitherto unclassified marine life, man
So the whole scene's wide open for a scientific exploration.
One can see the immense amount of preparation involved.
Have there been many difficulties
In setting up this venture?
Well, the real hang-up was with the bread, man
But when the top-brass pigs came through
We got it together in a couple of moons.
Commodore betty grable, who's a real sub-aqua head
Has got it together diving-wise
And, like, the whole gig's been a real gas, man.
Thank you.
Lieutenant commander dorothy lamour.
Pieces of eight.
Dorothy, you're in charge of the security and liaison
For this operation.
Right on.
You've kept this all very hush-hush so far, shipmate.
Yeah, it's been really heavy, man
With all these freaks from the fascist press
Trying to blow the whole scene.
There's no doubt about it
This expedition does have
Some rather unusual aspects, jim lad.
For a start, why do the senior personnel all bear the names
Of hollywood film stars of the '40s
And female ones at that?
Shiver me timbers, 'tis the black spot
And secondly, I be not afraid of thee, blind pew!
Why do they talk this rather strange, stilted
Underground jargon?
Belay the main brace, squire trelawney, this be my ship now!
Ah! a tranquilizing dart fired
By the cowardly bbc health department dogs.
They've done filled me full of chlorpromazine! damn!
I'm sorry about my colleague's rather unconventional behavior.
The navy's out of sight!
Come together with the r.n.
It really is something other than else.
Can you dig it, man?
Hello... I'm sorry about my colleague's
Rather unconventional behavior just now
But things haven't been too easy for him recently--
Trouble at home--
Rather confidential, so I can't give you all the details
Interesting though they are.
Three bottles of rum with his weetabix, and so forth.
Anyway... apparently, the girl wasn't even...
Anyway, the activity you see behind me...
It's the mother I feel sorry for.
I'll start again.
The activity you see behind me is part of the preparations
For the new naval expedition to lake pahoe.
The man in charge of this expedition is
Vice admiral sir john cunningham.
Sir john, hello, there.
Hello... well, first of all
I'd like to apologize
For the behavior of certain of my colleagues
You may have seen earlier
But they are from broken homes
Circus families and so on
And they are in no way representative
Of the new, modern, improved british navy.
They are a small, vociferous minority.
And may I take this opportunity
Of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism
In the british navy--
Absolutely none.
And when I say none
I mean there is a certain amount--
More than we are prepared to admit--
But all new ratings are warned
That if they wake up in the morning
And find any tooth marks at all
Anywhere on their bodies
They're to tell me immediately
So that I can immediately take every measure
To hush the whole thing up.
And finally, necrophilia is right out.
Now, this expedition is primarily
To investigate reports of cannibalism and necrophilia in...
This expedition is primarily
To investigate reports of unusual marine life
In the as-yet uncharted lake pahoe.
And where exactly is the lake?
Uh... 22a, runcorn avenue.
Yes, that's right, 22a.
Runcorn avenue?
Yes, it's just by blenheim crescent.
Do you know it?
Uh, you mean it's in an ordinary street?
It is not an ordinary street--
It's got a lake in it!
Yes, but i...
Look, how many streets do you know
That have got lakes in them?
I mean, is it very large?
Of course it's not large.
You couldn't get a large lake in runcorn avenue!
You'd have to knock down the tobacconist's!
Jenkins...
No!
I'm now standing in runcorn avenue.
Sir john, where exactly is the lake?
Uh, well let's see, that's 18...
That's 20, so this must be the one.
Um, excuse me, um...
Yes, this is the one, all right.
But it's an ordinary house.
Look, I'm getting pretty irritated
With this line of questioning.
But it doesn't even look like a lake.
Look, your whole approach since this interview started
Has been to mock the navy.
When I think that for the likes of you
I had both my legs blown off...
But you haven't had both your legs blown off!
I was talking metaphorically, you fool.
Jenkins...
Put that down.
Right, is the equipment ready?
Diving equipment all ready, man.
Right... now, quite simply
The approach to lake pahoe is up the steps
And then we come to the shores of the lake.
Now, I'm going to press the bell
Just to see if there's anyone in.
Hello?
Good morning, I'm looking for a lake pahoe.
There's a mr. padgett.
No, no, a lake.
There's no lake here, mate.
This is runcorn avenue.
What's that camera doing?
Camera? what's he want?
Ooh, are we on the telly?
He's looking for a lake.
Lake pahoe.
Oh, you want downstairs, 22a, the basement.
Ah! thank you very much, good morning.
Come on, men, downstairs.
Uh, were you successful, sir john?
It's in the basement.
In the basement?
Pieces of eight!
Ugh!
Hello?
Oh, I think it's someone about the damp.
Hello.
Tell them
About the bleeding rats, too.
I'll go.
Yes?
Good morning, is this lake pahoe?
Well, I don't know about that, but it's bleeding damp.
Are you from the council?
No, we are the official british naval expedition to this lake.
May we come in?
Hang on.
Bloody sharks.
Get back in...
Get in.
Well, that would appear to be the end of the expedition.
The magna carta--
Was it a document signed at runnymede
In 1215 by king john
Pledging independence to the english barons
Or was it a piece of chewing gum on a bedspread in dorset?
The latter idea is the brainchild of a man
New to the field of historical research.
Mr. badger, why... why are you on this program?
Well, I think I can answer this question
Most successfully in mime.
But why dorset?
Well, I have for a long time been suffering
From a species of brain injury
Which I incurred during the rigors of childbirth
And I'd like to conclude by putting my finger up my nose.
Mr. badger, I think you're the silliest person
We've ever had on this program
And so I'm going to ask you
To have dinner with me.
My wife maureen ran off with a bottle of bell's whiskey
During the aberdeen versus raith rovers match
Which ended in a goal-less draw.
Robson, particularly, in goal, had a magnificent first half
His fine positional sense preventing the build-up
Of any severe pressure on the suspect aberdeen defense.
Mcloughlan missed an easy chance
To clinch the game towards the final whistle
But raith must be well satisfied
With their point.
Do please go on.
This is the least fascinating conversation I've ever had.
Would you like to order, sir?
Yes, mr. badger, what would you like to start with?
Uh, I'll have a whiskey to start with.
For first course, sir?
Aye.
And for main course, sir?
Uh, I'll have a whiskey for main course
And I'll follow that with a whiskey for pudding.
Yes, sir, and what would you like with it, sir? a whiskey?
No, a bottle of wine.
"fine, sir," he said between clenched teeth
Knowing full well it was a most unrewarding part.
This is the silliest sketch I've ever been in.
Shall we stop it?
Yeah, all right.
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circuses.
Good evening
And welcome to the arthur ludlow memorial baths, newport
For this year's finals
Of the all-england summarize proust competition.
As you may remember, each contestant has to give
A brief summary of proust's a la recherche du temps perdu
Once in a swimsuit and once in evening dress.
The field has now narrowed to three finalists
And your judges tonight are
Alec and eric bedser, ex-surrey cricketers;
Stewart surridge, ex-captain of surrey;
Omar sharif;laurie fishlock, ex-surrey opening batsman;
Peter may, the former surrey and england captain;
And yehudi menuhin, the world-famous violinist
And the president of the surrey cricket club.
And right now it's time to meet your host for tonight
Arthur mee!
Good evening and welcome.
Whereas proust would say, "le malade imaginaire
"de recondition et de toute surveillance
Est bientot la meme chose. "
Remember, each contestant this evening
Has a maximum of 15 seconds to summarize
A la recherche du temps perdu
And on the proustometer here
You can see exactly how far he gets.
So let's crack straight on with our first contestant tonight.
He's last year's semifinalist, from luton, mr. harry bagot.
Hello, harry.
Now, there's the summarizing spot.
You're on the summarizing spot.
15 seconds from... now!
Proust's novel ostensibly tells
Of the irrevocability of time lost
The forfeiture of innocence through experience
The reinstallment of extratemporal values of time regained.
Ultimately the novel is both optimistic
And set within the context of a humane religious experience
Restating as it does the concept of intemporality.
In the first volume, swann, the family friend, visits...
Well tried, harry.
A good attempt there
But unfortunately he chose a general appraisal of the work
Before getting on to the story, and as you can see
He only got as far as page one of swann's way
The first of the seven volumes.
A good try, though, and very nice posture.
Harry bagot, you're from luton?
Yes, arthur, yeah.
Now, harry, what made you first want to try
And start summarizing proust?
Well, I first entered
A seaside summarizing proust competition
When I was on holiday in bournemouth
And my doctor encouraged me with it.
And, harry, what are your hobbies outside summarizing?
Well, there's golf, and strangling animals.
Well, there he goes-- harry bagot.
He must have let himself down a bit on the hobbies.
Golf's not very popular around here.
But never mind, a good try.
Ladies and gentlemen, mr. rutherford, from leicester.
Are you ready, ronald?
Yeah, yeah.
Right, at your summarizing spot.
You have got 15 seconds from... now!
Er... ooh!
Er, oh, swann, swann!
Er, swann.
There's this house... there's this house, er, and...
It's in the morning, it's in the morning.
No, no, no, it's in the evening...
In the evening, and then there's a garden
Uh... and, er, this bloke comes in...
Bloke comes in.
What's his name? what's his name?
Oh, god, just said it, just said it.
Uh, big bloke-- swann! swann!
Oh, out of time.
I'm sorry, we're out of time.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to welcome
The last of our all-england finalists this evening
From bingley, the bolton choral society
And their leader, superintendent mcgough.
All right, bingley.
Remember, you've got 15 seconds
To summarize proust in their entirety
Starting from... now!
Proust, in his first book
Wrote about, wrote about, fa, la, la...
Proust, in his first book, wrote about...
He wrote about...
Proust, in his first book
Wrote about the...
He wrote about, he wrote about
Proust, in his first book
In his first book, wrote about the...
Very ambitious try there
But in fact the least successful of the evening.
They didn't even get as far as the first volume.
Well, ladies and gentlemen
I don't think any of our contestants this evening
Have succeeded in encapsulating
The intricacies of proust's masterwork.
So I'm going to award the first prize this evening
To the girl with the biggest tits.
Mount everest--
Forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
The mountain with the biggest tits in the world.
Start again!
Mount everest--
Forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
This year, this remote himalayan mountain
This mystical temple
Surrounded by the most difficult terrain in the world
Repulsed yet another attempt to conquer it
This time by the international hairdressers' expedition.
In such freezing adverse conditions
Man comes very close to breaking point.
What was the real cause of the disharmony
Which destroyed their chances of success?
Well, people would keep taking your hairdryer
And never returning it.
There was a lot of bitching in the tents.
You couldn't get near the mirror.
The leader of the expedition was
Colonel sir john "teasy weasy" butler
Veteran of k2, annapurna and vidals.
His plan was to ignore the usual route round the south col
And to make straight for the top.
Well, we established base salon here
And climbed quite steadily up to mario's, here.
From here, using crampons and cutting ice steps as we went
We moved steadily up the lhotse face to the north ridge
Establishing camp iii
Where we could get a hot meal, a manicure and a shampoo and set.
Could it work?
Could this 18-year-old hairdresser from brixton
Succeed where others had failed?
The situation was complicated
By the imminent arrival of the monsoon storms.
Patrice takes up the story.
Well, we knew as well as anyone that the monsoons were due
But the thing was
Ricky and I had just had a blow-dry and rinse
And we couldn't go out for a couple of days.
After a blazing row
The germans and the italians had turned back
Taking with them the last of the hairnets.
On the third day, a blizzard blew up.
Temperatures fell to minus 30 centigrade.
Inside the little tent, things were getting desperate.
Well, things have got so bad
That we've been forced to use
The last of the heavy oxygen equipment
Just to keep the dryers going.
Cup of milo, love.
Oh, she's a treas.
But a new factor had entered the race.
A team of french chiropodists
Working with brand-new corn plasters
And dr. scholl's mountaineering sandals
Were covering ground fast.
The glasgow orpheus male voice choir were tackling
The difficult north col.
Altogether 14 expeditions were at his heels.
This was it.
Rick had to make a decision.
Well, he decided to open a salon.
It was a tremendous success.
Challenging everest?
Why not drop in at ricky pule's--
Only 24,000 feet from this cinema.
Ricky and maurice offer a variety of styles
For the well-groomed climber.
Like sherpa tenzing and sir edmund hillary
Be number one on top when you're number one on top.
This cinema is proud to present
20th-century frog's production:
Oh, james!
Oh, beatrice!
Oh... james!
Oh... oh, beatrice!
Oh... oh, james
I could make such a fool of myself over you.
Oh, beatrice, do... do!
Oh, yes, james, yes!
Oh, james!
Beatrice!
Oh... james!
Beatrice!
Oh... james, I could make such a fool of myself over you.
Oh, beatrice, do... do!
Oh, yes, james, yes!
Oh... james!
Oh... beatrice!
Oh... james!
Oh... beatrice!
Oh, james...
Oh, shut up!
Hello, is that the fire brigade?
No, sorry, wrong number.
That phone's not stopped ringing all day.
What happens when you've mixed the batter?
Do you dice the ham with the coriander?
No, no, you put them in separately
When the vine leaves are ready.
Oh, no, not again.
Take it off the hook.
I can't get the fire brigade, mervyn.
Here, let me try, dear.
You go and play the cello.
Oh, it doesn't do any good, dear.
Look, do you want that little hamster to live or not?
Yes, I do, mervyn.
Well, go and play the cello!
Hello?
Hello, operator?
Yes, we're trying to get the fire brigade.
No, the fire brigade.
Yes... yes...
Yes... yes... yes...
Yes... yes... what?
Size eight.
Yes... yes... yes...
No, of course not.
Yes...
He's gone, dear.
What?
He's slipped away.
What?
The sodding hamster's dead!
Oh, no!
What were you playing?
Some mozart concertos, dear.
What...? how did he...?
His eyes just closed
And he fell into the wastepaper basket.
I've covered him
With a copy of the charlie george football book.
Right, you hang on.
I must go and see him.
There was nothing we could do, mervyn.
If we'd have had the whole philharmonic orchestra in there
He'd still have gone.
I'm going upstairs.
I can't bear it.
There isn't an upstairs, dear.
It's a bungalow.
Damn!
Hello?
Oh, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
It's just that...
Size three, yes.
It's just, we've lost a dear one, and my son was...
Yes, that's right, size eight, yes, and...
Oh, I see.
Yes... yes... yes...
Yes, yes...
Yes... yes, I see, uh...
Yes.
Yes, i... i...
Yes.
Oh, yes... no!
No... yes... I see.
They can't get the fire brigade, mervyn.
Will the boys' brigade do?
No! they'd be useless!
No, he doesn't want anyone at the moment, thank you.
No... yes.
Yes-- no, thank you for trying.
Yes.
Yes...
No, saxones.
Yes.
Yes, thank you, bye-bye.
Mummy!
Oh, eamonn!
Mervyn, look, it's our eamonn!
Oh, let me look at you.
How well you're looking.
Tell me, how is it in dublin?
Well, things is pretty bad there at the moment
But there does seem some hope
Of a constitutional settlement.
Oh, don't talk.
Let me just look at you.
Great to be home, mummy.
How are you?
Oh, I'm fine.
I must just go upstairs and get your room ready.
It's a bungalow, mummy.
Oh, damn, yes.
Mervyn, mervyn, look who's here!
It's our eamonn
Come back to see us.
Hello, eamonn.
Hello, merv.
How was dublin?
Well, as I was telling mummy here
Things is pretty bad there at the moment
But there does seem
Some hope of a constitutional settlement.
Hello?
Yes?
Yes.
What?
Size seven.
Yes.
Yes, yes!
Yes.
It's the fire brigade.
They want to know
If they can come round thursday evening.
Oh, no.
Thursday's the industrial relations bill dinner dance.
Can't they make it another day?
Uh, hello?
No, thursday's...
Right out!
Yes.
Yes...
And so it was
That the fire brigade eventually came round on friday night.
I'm so glad you could come.
What would you like to drink?
Gin and tonic?? sherry?
A drop of sherry would be lovely.
We do like being called out to these little parties.
They're much better than fires.
Yes?
Yes.
Well, how was dublin, eamonn?
Well, as I was telling mummy and mervyn earlier
Things is pretty bad there at the moment
But there does seem
Some hope of a constitutional...
Oh, look at them enjoying themselves.
You know, I used to dread parties
Until I watched party hints by veronica.
I think it's on now.
Hello.
Last week on party hints I showed you
How to make a small plate of goulash go round 26 people
How to get the best out of your canapes
And how to unblock your loo.
This week I'm going to tell you what to do
If there's an armed communist uprising
Near your home when you're having a party.
Well, obviously it'll depend how far you've got with your party
When the signal for red revolt is raised.
If you're just having preliminary aperitifs--
A dubonnet, a sherry, or a sparkling white wine--
Then your guests will obviously be in a fairly formal mood
And it'll be difficult to tell
Which are the communist agitators.
So the thing to do is to get some cloth
And some bits of old paper
Put it down on the floor and shoot everybody.
This will deal with the red menace on your own doorstep.
If you're having canapes, as I showed you last week
Or an outdoor barbecue
Then the thing to do is to set fire
To all the houses in the street.
This will stir up anticommunist hatred
And your neighbors will be right with you
As you organize counterrevolutionary terror.
So you see, if you act promptly enough
Any left-wing uprising can be dealt with
By the end of the party.
Bye.
Ah, she's finally gone away.
All right, comrades, time to go to work.
Hello, we are selling communist revolutions.
Would you by any chance be interested?
Oh, yes, I'll take a dozen, please.
Right.
One dozen communist revolutions coming up.
I get it!
Communist revolution!
That's a good one.
You disgusting little piece of filth.
God, I hate you!
You make me want to puke my guts out!
Wasn't that cute?
Remember, you too
Can get your own putrid peter doll
In time to pacify your next party.
But why stop there?
Why not get a barry bigot doll, too?
Just watch this.
Black people, black people.
Rrrrhodesian.
Kill the blacks. kill the blacks.
Rrrrhodesian.
Smith, smith.
Kill the blacks within the five principles.
I'm afraid I cannot comment on that
Until it has been officially hushed up.
This is our politicians' booth.
While there's no undue cause for concern
There is certainly no room for complacency.
Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he.
I'll go to the foot of our stairs.
Ee ecky thump.
Put wood in 'ole, muther.
Yes, sorry?
Ee ecky thump.
Ee ecky thump!
Excellent!
It's a very quick method of learning.
Can you smell gas, or is it me?
Looks jolly good.
Hello, big boy.
Oo, varda the ome.
Do you want a nice time?
Very good.
Thank you very much, sir.
And we control everything from here.
Superb.
Well, what sort of thing
Were you looking for?
Well, really something
To make me a little less insignificant.
Oh, I see, sort of...
"now, look here, you may be chairman
"but your bloody pusillanimous behavior
Makes me vomit!"
That sort of thing?
No, no, no, not really, no.
Oh, I see, well, perhaps
Something a bit more
Sort of clive jenkins-ish?
Perhaps, sort of :
"mr. smarmy so- called harold wilson
"can call himself pragmatic
Until he's blue in the breast!"
No, not really.
I really want something
That will make people
Be attracted to me like a magnet.
Oh, I see, well, you want our
"life and soul of the party" tape then, I think.
What's that?
Well, it's sort of :
Hello, squire!
Haven't seen you for a bit!
Haven't seen you for a bit either, beryl.
Two pints of wallop, please, love.
Still driving the jensen, then?
Cheer up, jack, it may never happen.
What's your poison, then?
Fantastic, yes.
Right, I'll just see
If we've got the tape.
Boo boo pee doo, boo boo pee doo
Scoobie doobie doobie doobie doo-oo!
Hello, operator
Is that the central line?
Give me picadilly number 9109
Mr. operator, now, the number's wrong
So come on, everybody, let's sing this song!
Proust in his first book
Wrote about, wrote about...
Start again.
Mount everest-- forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
The highest place on earth.
No, I'm sorry, we don't go there.
Good morning.
Oh, good morning.
Do you want to go upstairs?
What?
Do you want to go upstairs?
Or have you come
To arrange a holiday?
Uh, to arrange a holiday.
Oh, sorry.
What's all this about going upstairs?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Now, where were you thinking of going?
India.
Ah, one of our adventure holidays.
Yes.
Well, you'd better speak
To mr. bounder about that.
Mr. bounder, this gentleman
Is interested in the india overland.
Ah, good morning.
I'm bounder of adventure.
Morning, my name is
Smoke-too-much.
What?
My name is smoke-too-much, mr. smoke-too-much.
Well, you'd better cut down a bit, then.
What?
You'd better cut down a bit, then.
Oh, I see.
Cut down a bit
For smoke-too-much.
Yes.
I expect you get people
Making jokes about your name all the time, eh?
No, no.
Actually, it never struck me before.
Smoke... too... much!
Anyway, you're interested in one of our adventure holidays, eh?
Yes, yes, I saw your advert in the bolor supplement.
The what?
The bolor supplement.
The color supplement?
Yes, I'm sorry
I can't say the letter "b."
"c."
Yes, that's right.
It's all due to a trauma I suffered
When I was a spoolboy.
I was attacked by a bat.
A cat?
No, a bat.
Can you say the letter "k"?
Oh, yes, khaki, king, kettle, kuwait, keble bollege oxford.
Why don't you say the letter "k" instead of the letter "c"?
What do you mean, spell "bolor" with a "k"?
Yes.
Kolor.
Yes.
Oh, that's very good, I never thought of that.
Well, I saw your advert in the paper
And I've been on package tours several times, you see
And I decided that this was for me.
Oh, good.
Yes, I quite agree with you.
I mean, what's the point
Of being treated like a sheep?
I mean, I'm fed up of going abroad
And being treated like sheep.
What's the point of being carted around in buses
Surrounded by sweaty, mindless oafs
From kettering and boventry?
Their cloth caps and their cardigans
And their transistor radios
And their sunday mirrors
Bomplaining about the tea--
"oh, they don't make it properly here, do they?
Not like at home."
Stopping at majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips
And watney's red barrel
And calamares and two veg
And sitting in cotton sun frocks
Squirting timothy white's sun cream
All over their puffy, raw, swollen, purulent flesh
Because they overdid it
On the first day!
Yes, absolutely, I quite agree.
And being herded into endless hotel miramars
And bellvueses and bontinentals
With their international
Luxury modern roomettes
And their watney's red barrel
And their swimming pools
Full of fat german businessmen
Pretending to be acrobats
And forming pyramids
And frightening the children
Barging into the queues
And if you're not at your table spot on seven
You miss your bowl
Of campbell's cream of mushroom soup
The first item on the menu of international cuisine.
And every thursday night
There's bloody cabaret in the bar
Featuring some tiny, emaciated dago
With nine-inch hips
And some big, fat, bloated tart
With her hair brylcreemed down and a big arse
Presenting flamenco for foreigners.
Yes, yes, quite...
And then surrounded
By adenoidal typists from birmingham
With diarrhea and flabby white legs
And hairy, bandy-legged wop waiters called manuel
And then once a week
There's an excursion to the local roman ruins
Where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream
And bleedin' watney's red barrel
And then one night
They take you to a local restaurant
With local color and coloring and they show you there
And you sit next to a party of people from rhyl
Who keep singing torremolinos!
Torremolinos!
And complaining about the food.
"oh, it's so greasy, isn't it?"
And then you get cornered
By some drunken greengrocer from luton with an instamatic
And dr. scholl sandals and tuesday's daily express
And he drones on and on and on
About how mr. smith should be running this country.
Quiet, please.
And then he throws up
All over the cuba libres.
Will you be quiet, please?
...postcards of places
They don't know they haven't even visited
"to all at number 22, weather wonderful.
Our room marked with an 'x'..."
Shut up!
"food very greasy
"but we have managed to find
This marvelous little place hidden away..."
Shut up!
"...watney's red barrel and cheese and onion."
Shut up!
And the accordionist plays...
Shut your bloody gob!
Oh, I've had enough of this.
I'm going to ring the police.
...nothing to eat
But dried watney's sandwiches.
Oh, take it off the hook.
...and there's nowhere to sleep...
Hello, operator? operator?
Yes, operator, I'm trying to get the police.
Yes, yes... the police!
Yes, what?
Nine and a half... nine and a half!
...when you get to malaga airport
Everybody's swallowing...
What?
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Will you come this way, please?
Here they are.
Right.
Just here will do fine.
Bye-bye.
Good evening.
I have with me tonight
Anne elk, mrs. anne elk.
Miss.
You have a new theory about the brontosaurus.
Can I just say here, chris, for one moment
That I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?
Exactly.
What is it?
Where?
I mean your new theory.
Oh, what is my theory?
Oh, what is my theory, that it is.
Well, chris, you may well ask me
What is my theory.
I am asking.
Good for you.
My word, yes.
Well, chris, what is it that it is
This theory of mine?
Well, this is what it is.
My theory that I have
That is to say, which is mine
Is mine.
Yes, I know it's yours.
What is it?
Where?
Your theory.
Oh, what is my...
This is it.
My theory that belongs to me
Is as follows.
This is how it goes.
The next thing I'm going to say
Is my theory.
Ready?
My theory, by a. elk--
Brackets, miss, brackets--
This theory goes as follows and begins now:
All brontosauruses are thin at one end
Much, much thicker in the middle
And then thin again at the far end.
That is my theory.
It is mine and belongs to me
And I own it and what it is, too.
That's it, is it?
Spot on, chris.
Well, this theory of yours
Appears to have hit the nail on the head.
And it's mine.
Yes, thank you very much for coming along to the studio.
My pleasure, chris.
Next week, britain's...
It's been a lot of fun.
Yes, thank you very much.
Saying what my theory is.
Yes, thank you.
And whose it is.
Yes, thank you, that's all.
I have another theory...
Yes...
Called my second theory
Or my theory number two
Which I could expound without doubt.
This second theory...
Yes?
Which with the one that I have said...
I'm trying...
Which are mine
And which belong to me...
Nine and half, wide fitting.
Goes like this.
Balleys of bond street.
What?
No, sort of brogue.
This is what it is.
Eight and a half.
This is it.
My second theory...
Excuse me!
Hello, yes, yes?
...promises you that the raging cholera epidemic...
The fire brigade are here!
They're coming!
Hello?
No, no, I think they're all
Part of the british shoe corporation now.
Chris, this other theory of mine...
The second theory...
My second theory states
That fire brigade choirs
Seldom sing songs about marcel proust.
Proust in his first book
Wrote about, wrote about...
Start again.